Seeing what I need to see

I am fighting myself a lot lately. I am feeling overly regretful and that is making me lose sleep and it makes me angry.

I have not done a lot with my life. I have gone half way a lot but never all the way. I always stop short. Fear or lack of confidence stops me. Then I feel like shit. But I never finish.

I am over half way done with a bachelors degree in pretty much anything I choose but will I finish…probably not. 

I have one license for insurance and need the other, will I finish….maybe. 

I have an opportunity for a better job but will I try for it…probably not.

I think that my main problem is thinking that I am so important that no one can do without me. Or that I don’t want to dissapoint anyone. I also don’t want to hurt anyone or make things difficult for anyone. 

Everyone always says…Oh but you are so busy you are a single mom with 2 kids and work full time and oh my goodness I can’t believe you do it.

Well truthfully, I am a half-assed mom and there are millions of single parents out there that do a hell of a lot more than me and with out help from their family. I count myself lucky.

I do not cook dinner for myself or my kids for most of the week. We either eat at moms or they cook it themselves.

I usually go straight to my room when we get home because the kids are playing in the living room and I don’t want to watch nick or disney. I don’t have much contact with them unless they come in to ask a question or had a fight.

I feel like I am a huge failure as a mother and this makes me angry at myself. I want to change and I am changing. I am trying not to make excuses for myself any more. I don’t want my kids to wish their mom was around more and didn’t spend so much time in her bedroom.

I made dinner last night and set the table and we prayed before dinner and had a nice meal together. I sat on the couch with both the kids with me and they did their homework. I loved it. I am going to do this every night! Not the make dinner part cause I am lazy and oh shit there I go making excuses…ok fine I will have dinner ready every night. 

I will not go to my room until after the kids go to bed. I will be active with them in the evenings and participate in their lives. I love my kids. I love them more than I love myself. I want them to know that. I want them to feel that. I don’t want them to think they are a burden or that anything else is more important than them.

How many is too many

And when do you start to worry about the number because I truly can't remember how many of these I have started over the years.

I sometimes feel like I am too old for this. Then I figure I need an outlet and look how many people do it and love it! So here I go!

I will try and come here at least once a day and try to be as honest with myself as I possibly can. I will try to keep the bs to a minimum. I will try.

At this moment while talking to myself in this quiet space it makes me smile that I can do this and not erase everything I just put down because it's not perfect or because no one will read it or the thought that I shouldn't do it.

I will leave this right here. I will be okay with it right here.